1-23-17/5-25-17
The way I see it, my visual equality, that which the world may judge me on or categorize me as, is just that… an outside judgment and simply not my truth. That in reality, my equality has more to do with me personally, how I feel about myself, as much as my upbringing; the environment those around me taught me was acceptable. And now, those I choose to surround myself with; my acceptance or allowance of things. My ability to speak out, or speak up or my willingness to work hard and go get something if I want it.
I have been working full time since the age of 15. On my own, since 17. More than a few times, others have relied upon me to shelter and feed them. Seemed hardships always surrounded the people I was drawn to.
I have had more than a few management and key positions in ‘men dominated’ industries, where I made a very healthy wage. I broke free of the molds without even thinking that there were molds. Scoffing at those that said there were. Not in my reality.
I have crawled out of the muck and mud countless times. Overcoming drug addiction, divorce, homelessness, debt. I walked away from just about everyone and everything I knew to accomplish what must be done, as I knew, it must come from me and only me. And, I did it.
From working 3 jobs, 7 days a week, I was able to steadily increase my wages, get better suited jobs, work my way down to 2 jobs, then down to only one. Finally added in tech school, a social life, and plenty of adventures! & man, did I enjoy quite a range of excitement & experiences!
I was living life and totally free. As always, responsible and reliable, yet wild and spontaneous. With money in the bank and all that I needed. The only time in my life that I remember a feeling of ease. Connected to many different crowds, as always. Each diverse and interesting in so many ways. Hiking, biking, skydiving, camping, rafting, rappelling, potheads, techno dancing, drinking, road trip taking, spiritual, earthy, creative, music, night life & quiet time! City life and country bumpkin wrapped up in one. Yet now I realize that most of my travels were all on my own. Headed here or there to meet a crowd, or hop a flight to catch up with the rest, or maybe driving at 3am in the midst of the parkway trucker convoys, such sights and sounds and people! I was so busy and marched to my own drum that I was not in sync with others time frames…Though sometimes I would wish for someone special to share it with, it didn’t stop me & the craziest & coolest shit would happen!
Leading into my second marriage, things happened so quickly. I worked full time, 13 hour days, until 3 weeks before giving birth to my oldest son, fully intending on going back to work. But, after bringing this beautiful being into this sometimes harsh environment, I chose to stay at home and become my child’s connection to the world and all around him. So that he was raised with morals, and support. Individual to him. And then continued on when my youngest son was born.
Though I am glad this was my choice, this is a different kind of work altogether. Some, like me, can get lost in it and it wasn’t long before I gave myself away & found myself in this long term codependent narcissist/empath relationship. But, that’s another story.
Fast forward to today. On my own & struggling once more. And, this time it is not just me that I need to feed. I sometimes worry that my ‘stay at home mom’ function & state of being did not convey this lifetime of morals and work ethic to my children in this little place we call home. I hope these ideals and integrity are what my children will ultimately know of me. Even more so, that they carry them through in their own lives, marching to their own drums & experiencing some crazy, cool shit in that great wide world out there.
What I know of me is that, during my lifetime, I have fully experienced my own strength and power. Whether I was in the flow or in opposition. There was never a question of who I could rely upon, I was here all along. Never a question of whether to do what needed to get done, it just got done. I am strong. Capable. A Manifestor and Co-Creator to my reality.
I have been on my own for a few years now. Really weeding through the muck that is me. Relied upon when I could not fathom even getting myself ready for the day. Down and out, yet more connected to love and peace than ever before.
And, in the midst of all the chaos, I found me again