Category: Discoveries

1-23-17/5-25-17
The way I see it, my visual equality, that which the world may judge me on or categorize me as, is just that… an outside judgment and simply not my truth. That in reality, my equality has more to do with me personally, how I feel about myself, as much as my upbringing; the environment those around me taught me was acceptable. And now, those I choose to surround myself with; my acceptance or allowance of things. My ability to speak out, or speak up or my willingness to work hard and go get something if I want it.

I have been working full time since the age of 15. On my own, since 17. More than a few times, others have relied upon me to shelter and feed them. Seemed hardships always surrounded the people I was drawn to.

I have had more than a few management and key positions in ‘men dominated’ industries, where I made a very healthy wage. I broke free of the molds without even thinking that there were molds. Scoffing at those that said there were. Not in my reality.

I have crawled out of the muck and mud countless times. Overcoming drug addiction, divorce, homelessness, debt. I walked away from just about everyone and everything I knew to accomplish what must be done, as I knew, it must come from me and only me. And, I did it.

From working 3 jobs, 7 days a week, I was able to steadily increase my wages, get better suited jobs, work my way down to 2 jobs, then down to only one. Finally added in tech school, a social life, and plenty of adventures! & man, did I enjoy quite a range of excitement & experiences!

I was living life and totally free. As always, responsible and reliable, yet wild and spontaneous. With money in the bank and all that I needed. The only time in my life that I remember a feeling of ease. Connected to many different crowds, as always. Each diverse and interesting in so many ways. Hiking, biking, skydiving, camping, rafting, rappelling, potheads, techno dancing, drinking, road trip taking, spiritual, earthy, creative, music, night life & quiet time! City life and country bumpkin wrapped up in one. Yet now I realize that most of my travels were all on my own. Headed here or there to meet a crowd, or hop a flight to catch up with the rest, or maybe driving at 3am in the midst of the parkway trucker convoys, such sights and sounds and people! I was so busy and marched to my own drum that I was not in sync with others time frames…Though sometimes I would wish for someone special to share it with, it didn’t stop me & the craziest & coolest shit would happen!

Leading into my second marriage, things happened so quickly. I worked full time, 13 hour days, until 3 weeks before giving birth to my oldest son, fully intending on going back to work. But, after bringing this beautiful being into this sometimes harsh environment, I chose to stay at home and become my child’s connection to the world and all around him. So that he was raised with morals, and support. Individual to him. And then continued on when my youngest son was born.

Though I am glad this was my choice, this is a different kind of work altogether. Some, like me, can get lost in it and it wasn’t long before I gave myself away & found myself in this long term codependent narcissist/empath relationship. But, that’s another story.

Fast forward to today. On my own & struggling once more. And, this time it is not just me that I need to feed. I sometimes worry that my ‘stay at home mom’ function & state of being did not convey this lifetime of morals and work ethic to my children in this little place we call home. I hope these ideals and integrity are what my children will ultimately know of me. Even more so, that they carry them through in their own lives, marching to their own drums & experiencing some crazy, cool shit in that great wide world out there.

What I know of me is that, during my lifetime, I have fully experienced my own strength and power. Whether I was in the flow or in opposition. There was never a question of who I could rely upon, I was here all along. Never a question of whether to do what needed to get done, it just got done. I am strong. Capable. A Manifestor and Co-Creator to my reality.

I have been on my own for a few years now.  Really weeding through the muck that is me.  Relied upon when I could not fathom even getting myself ready for the day.  Down and out, yet more connected to love and peace than ever before. 

And, in the midst of all the chaos, I found me again

Journal Entry

March 13, 2017

Today’s journal entry & Random Thought from the Shower:
3+1+3+2+0+1+7=17=8
The importance of my daily morning ritual
Many months ago, I would say at least 6, I was ‘given’ a phrase by Master Jesus: “Head & heart connected, Spleen protected, Sealed in the Blood, and the Love, of Christ. ”
Spoken while ‘anointing’ myself w/Frankincense (occasionally another oil, but usually Fr.) in specific locations of my body:
Third eye, heart, l/r ribs (spleen), wrists, top of feet.
I take my shower & cleanse, washing stagnation, muck, obstacles, down the drain. Then seal & bless, echoing the thought lately to ‘Cleanse & clear’, and on to my ‘anointing’ & Jesus’ verse.
Sometimes I am guided on to other prayers, breath, body movement, action, etc…
& though I am certain that the Universal energies enhance & support my progress, I also need to acknowledge that I followed my inner urgings, I listened to my gut & to Master Jesus at that.
& that, by simple intention, thought & feeling, done consistently, I have seen/am seeing such deep & impactful results & karmic completion.
I feel this just as clearly as I was given the verse & knew what to do with it.
Thank you.  I love you. I love me.

Thoughts…..
So, I was awoken in the night, mid-dream, to my friend Georgia, speaking to me: “Here he is, Charlie, the brightest spark in the Universe”, as an introduction to someone (I thought a guide) that I never saw, because my pup, Max, was also trying to get my attention by scratching the side of my bed.
And now, sitting here, having coffee before starting my day, specific past lives begin making their way through my mind.. haven’t thought of them, or regression at all, in what feels like a year now…
This clicks a memory to share with Georgia, the events of last night…
So I go to FB to share, and up pops this memory… pictures that I found that relate to a past life of mine, in France. My shoppe was on this street. Researching the events and time period brought me to find these pics and they seriously blew me away.

My friend looked up Charlie:

Charlie
The most amazing guy in the world. He knows how to make a girl feel good about herself, and would do anything he could to make her happy. He would never try to hurt a girl, or anyone for that matter. He is sweet, sensitive, caring, outgoing, courageous, funny, sexy, gorgeous, everything that a girl would want him to be. He is an exetremely sexy man, with a hot ass body. He knows the right things to say to a girl whenever she is feeling sad, and he will stick with her no matter what. He fights for the people he cares about, and he doesn’t back down. He is the sweetest guy you will EVER meet in your life.

~  Cat, February 18, 2017

Maastricht:

Another helpful and timely reminder to listen to our inner voice. We know what we need.

Though I have many important things on my to-do list today, I will not, nor should I, attempt to accomplish it all. Not today.
After going around in a fog for too many hours… I decided to run with my original plan…. and took a nice, hot, long bath in epsom salt and lavender. Dimmed the lights and some awesome soul music.
This is, after all, the plan I set for myself this morning.
Followed by clearer thinking and thoughts on what I can get done, the rest will wait. Guilt free..

Ok, I know that it is the season of Love. Christmas, the celebration of Jesus’ life, sacrifice and message.
I also know that tv networks tend to echo events and timelines.

But, I am simply amazed at what I am currently experiencing.
I’ve seen 3 movies recently, each for the first time:
Young Messiah
The Passion of the Christ
and now, Risen.
All of which just happen to be on the channel I turn on.
All of which, I cry like a baby to. Most especially Jesus’ sacrifice and resurrection. The faith, and questions, of the others…

Words I hear echo out to me as a hand reaches out from the ethers to tap me on the shoulder.

My higher self, I am certain of it.

Comical at times.  That short clip to the back of my head…  The lesson and the ‘why’ of it so transparent.  I laugh at myself and keep on steppin’…..

Yet, at other times, downright cringeworthy…  I have definitely been here before.  In fact:  I’ve risen above this and learned this particular unpleasantry too many times.  By now, I should be a master at it… Yet, here I am again, post-reactionary state….  Where my doubt, insecurity or mouth were let loose.  Caught off guard by that same old trigger or insecurity;  back again for another go-round….. How could that happen after all this time, practice and learning?

Followed by wishing I had handled myself differently, not saying some things or maybe, to finally say things that needed to be spoken.  The endless circles going round my head…. over analyzing, over-critical…of myself of course…  I have always been my harshest critic and had never thought I deserved much more….

Then in comes the blame & judgment.  That, if I were ‘free’ of this, I wouldn’t be experiencing it any more.  That some part of me must still resonate with this situation and vibration, to attract it once again…

Maybe you can relate?  If so, I feel you greatly and send you lots of love.

In the end, I believe that is really what it’s all about….  Learning how to be loving and compassionate:  With, and for, ourselves.  Once we get the hang of that, all else will fall in line.  Truly.

To get back to the ‘go-round’ though….I am of the belief that we are never ‘free’ of something.  (Sorry if this does not please…and, just my humble opinion.)   Whether an unpleasant memory or situation or a deeply ingrained self-doubt, we don’t simply drop it off at the local post office, never to be seen or heard from again.  We just learn how to cope with it differently which changes our ‘reaction’ to ‘response’.  We can also learn to appreciate the good within the bad.  Not so easy at first.

This helps us to see also that any others involved are only going through their own cycles, which allows us to feel less defensive, understanding that their judgment, if any, is about them, not us… And, helps us to respond, less harshly.  With a bit more understanding and forgiveness.  If we truly work at it, we may find that one day we can actually love a person or thing that caused us so much pain for so long….  But, let’s take it one day at a time.

Now, I am no saint!  And, I don’t ever expect to be done working.  On myself, for myself.  But, I do know that each time I revisit a particular topic or situation, I am learning.  And, some lessons are a bit harder to swallow and take a little more time than others… But, all of it, every bit of it, is here for me.  For my highest good, whether I currently like it or not.  So, I need to hold compassion for myself, even in my ‘mistakes’.  And, by showing myself forgiveness and love, I will help to end this cycle.

Every day I see and feel great progress in so many areas.  Which kinda make these ‘out of the blue’ occurrences really stand out… But, mostly, I am happier, healthier, and calmer as the days go by.  I can say I am proud to be who I am and see how very far I have come;  knowing my strengths, as well as where I may need to work harder.

If you find yourself within these words, I wish you love and peace.

Have faith.  You will find your way.

Much love for all.  ~  Cat

June 15, 2016

And, a very happy birthday to my son, Dylan!

From 2-19-16 regarding a card pull by Doreen Virtue 

Comfort:  Archangel Azrael, “I am with you in your time of need, helping your heart to heal.”

Doreen’s words echo something that I keep noticing within myself and in those around me. Accepting something better comes in many stages and levels. And, it always goes back to the self. What I feel I’m worth.

This is a painful and lifelong lesson for most of us in the Indigo/Crystal realms. We come with huge visions and completely from love. When we get here, we get right into all the lessons we have designed for us to evolve, expand and ultimately break out of that shell and BE.