Words I hear echo out to me as a hand reaches out from the ethers to tap me on the shoulder.
My higher self, I am certain of it.
Comical at times. That short clip to the back of my head… The lesson and the ‘why’ of it so transparent. I laugh at myself and keep on steppin’…..
Yet, at other times, downright cringeworthy… I have definitely been here before. In fact: I’ve risen above this and learned this particular unpleasantry too many times. By now, I should be a master at it… Yet, here I am again, post-reactionary state…. Where my doubt, insecurity or mouth were let loose. Caught off guard by that same old trigger or insecurity; back again for another go-round….. How could that happen after all this time, practice and learning?
Followed by wishing I had handled myself differently, not saying some things or maybe, to finally say things that needed to be spoken. The endless circles going round my head…. over analyzing, over-critical…of myself of course… I have always been my harshest critic and had never thought I deserved much more….
Then in comes the blame & judgment. That, if I were ‘free’ of this, I wouldn’t be experiencing it any more. That some part of me must still resonate with this situation and vibration, to attract it once again…
Maybe you can relate? If so, I feel you greatly and send you lots of love.
In the end, I believe that is really what it’s all about…. Learning how to be loving and compassionate: With, and for, ourselves. Once we get the hang of that, all else will fall in line. Truly.
To get back to the ‘go-round’ though….I am of the belief that we are never ‘free’ of something. (Sorry if this does not please…and, just my humble opinion.) Whether an unpleasant memory or situation or a deeply ingrained self-doubt, we don’t simply drop it off at the local post office, never to be seen or heard from again. We just learn how to cope with it differently which changes our ‘reaction’ to ‘response’. We can also learn to appreciate the good within the bad. Not so easy at first.
This helps us to see also that any others involved are only going through their own cycles, which allows us to feel less defensive, understanding that their judgment, if any, is about them, not us… And, helps us to respond, less harshly. With a bit more understanding and forgiveness. If we truly work at it, we may find that one day we can actually love a person or thing that caused us so much pain for so long…. But, let’s take it one day at a time.
Now, I am no saint! And, I don’t ever expect to be done working. On myself, for myself. But, I do know that each time I revisit a particular topic or situation, I am learning. And, some lessons are a bit harder to swallow and take a little more time than others… But, all of it, every bit of it, is here for me. For my highest good, whether I currently like it or not. So, I need to hold compassion for myself, even in my ‘mistakes’. And, by showing myself forgiveness and love, I will help to end this cycle.
Every day I see and feel great progress in so many areas. Which kinda make these ‘out of the blue’ occurrences really stand out… But, mostly, I am happier, healthier, and calmer as the days go by. I can say I am proud to be who I am and see how very far I have come; knowing my strengths, as well as where I may need to work harder.
If you find yourself within these words, I wish you love and peace.
Have faith. You will find your way.
Much love for all. ~ Cat
June 15, 2016
And, a very happy birthday to my son, Dylan!